Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
