____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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