Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
