Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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