i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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