Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
