I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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