soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
