I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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