well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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