that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
