But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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