I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
