I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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