dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize