my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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