I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
