I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
