OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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