just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
