well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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