Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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