Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
