3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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