how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
