I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
