I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
