Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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