Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize