My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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