New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
