just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
