People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
