and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
