Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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