plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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