I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
