U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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