I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
