My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
