four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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