"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
