Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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