The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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