So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
