I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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