I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
