NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
