did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
