He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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