I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
