brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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