I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
