When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The air taste purple.
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