Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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