I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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