Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
