The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
