My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
