There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
