I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
